journaling like it's 2005

Waves.

When I got home from group I took the dogs for a walk down to the creek. The creek water is high from all the melting snow but not up over the bank. The ground feels mushy. I came home from that and it was such a nice day I went over and spent some time in the goat shed writing in my journal and catching up on that. I hadn't written anything since September. A few pictures: ( Read more... )

A picture of Skye last evening. From this angle you can't see how grotesquely she is swollen in the middle because of the mass on her liver. She looks like herself here - pretty kitty - not the skeleton she's become. The closet bed where she spends most her time is to the left. She's doing pretty well with the new way of feeding I'm doing now. I had been mixing water into her pate food thinking that more fluids would be good. But now I'm thinking that having all that fluid sloshing around in her stomach made her throw up more. She has basically quit throwing up now (I hope I didn't jinx it). Throwing up was one of the things that the vet tech warned me was an end-stage sign of suffering and that made me very concerned. Now I'm feeding her teaspoonfuls of pate at multiple feedings during the day and that seems to work. She still is constipated but she was constipated when I was giving her water in her food so I'm guessing that wasn't the reason she was constipated - it's because of the mass pressing on her intestines. I would say that the thing she is "suffering" from the most is constipation. She cries out when she's trying to go. But as long as she's loving eating, and she's peeing everyday then I'm thinking she's still doing okay.


A little blue lobster for Sebastian.


This is the piece of fancy paper that is next up in my everything book. I plan to use it as a substrate for today's art a day. But it seems wonderful just as it is. I feel like I'd hate to ruin it by redirecting attention/drawing over the wonderful texture that's there already. I'm having serious blank canvas syndrome. Could I possibly put today's date and nothing else on it?


A small section photo-processed for contrast. 

Happy Birthday John. I made that linocut print of The Love Chapter especially for you and gave it to you on a birthday long ago. That scarf was in a drawer of your dresser. I have no idea what it meant to you, you never wore it but I took it when cleaning out your room. That cross was something you made in shop class back in high school. I dreamed about you last night. I was washing your face as I have done a thousand times. Using super hot water, the way you liked it. The soap I was using was one of the handmade soaps I made for christmas presents a couple years ago. I left the suds on your face for a long time. I told you to be patient - the aloe was good for your skin.

Anyway.
Another warmish day today. The snow is slowly melting. I take Rainy for her grooming today. I think I'll kill time shopping at Walmart while I wait for her to be done.

From a walk we took yesterday. The creek, looking downstream. A blanket of snow was on the ice at the edges so it made the creek look more narrow than it really is. This is where the creek flows on our side of the island.


Lake. A little flock of Canada geese. The snow crust was firm enough yesterday that Rainy could walk on it without going through so that was nice for her. This is the first time Rainy and I have been to the lake for a while because it was too difficult for her in the deep snow and it's been too cold too.


Dad's chair and Dave at the top of cemetery hill.

It's relatively warm weather right now. 35F at the moment. The snow feels grainy with a thin crust on top. If I was an eskimo I'd have a special name for that kind of snow. Perhaps this is it: Pukak - crystalline, salt-like snow?

Here's an amusing list of eskimo snow names. I think most of them were made up.

I made a dozen cranberry orange muffins last night. They were good! I rarely make muffins. Seems like too much trouble to spoon batter into 12 individual cups (I'm a very lazy cook) when I could make one cake instead, but it was nice to have muffins for once. I'm supposed to make a vegan chocolate cake for Sebby's upcoming birthday and for that I was thinking individual cupcakes would be nice for a change. That's why I got out the muffin tins in the first place.

The day is going slowly. I may take an extra nap. I drove Roswell to work at 8. I may or may not need to pick him up later. Depends on if his car is finished being fixed today.

Rainy and Skye just now. They had been asleep together there on the couch when I walked through, saw them and went to get my camera.

Skye seemed to perk up during the night last night. She ate some food and then sat with me on the couch for a couple hours when I couldn't sleep. I am in a lot of fear of letting her suffer. But I also want to give her as much time as possible so she can enjoy the things she likes. I was having a panic attack or something like it this morning when the vet's office opened and I thought I should call.  I ended up lying on the bed trying to slow my heart because I was so shaky. Eventually I thought I'll call Jules and get a second opinion of the situation. He talked me down and into a more wait-and-see attitude. Whenever the weekend is approaching I start to fear that the animal that I'm caring for will go downhill even more and need to have that suffering ended. I can't stand the thought of an animal suffering. Before weekends I go into a super tense worry mode because the vet's office is closing. I suddenly felt so much better after I let go of the idea of calling the vet. Took a shower, took the dogs for a walk down back and felt like maybe we could all live another day. Thank you Jules.


Alive.

I've talked to some people lately who say that they dread this end time with an animal so much that they would never get another pet. I get that. We went for 4 years without a dog because the end of Tenzing felt so awful. It's even worse to lose a pet if you are the one playing god and deciding their end.

Dave did not catch a single fish at the ice fishing tournament today. He's on his way home now. Going to stop at the taco stand in Conneaut Lake for dinner for us.

Forgiveness. From a prompt I got out of the Sketch by Sketch book. 

Sunny. It's a sunny morning this morning. Later the temps are going up above freezing for once. Yay.


As Rainy gets older her left ear stands up alone more and more every day.

I'm having some structure to my day right now with driving Roswell to work and back while his car is in the garage. Feeling useful.

My three kids: Jules, Chloe and Johnny. Next I want to make them for the three grandkids and their partners. Have a whole family of them. I'm planning a tiger for Hazel, a bat for Jordan... Is making stuffed toys enough of a purpose in life? I feel like there should be something more important but I don't know what.

A sunny blue sky day. Only 12F though.

I guess I need to start thinking about making dinner.

Compulsive Nature. All the exciting pretties (that will eventually pop and disappear) coming out of the gloom to tantalize one.